Major League Triathlon

I'm happy to announce that I have been picked for the pro roster for the inaugural season of Major League Triathlon! I will be joining Ben Kanute, Heather Lendway, and Robbie Deckard on the Temple Toros, one of eight teams that will compete in a four-race series throughout this year.

Each race of the series will feature a pro sprint relay, amateur races, concerts, beer gardens, and other festival activities.

I'm especially excited about this series and the pro race format because I can feel good about inviting people to come watch, as the sprint relay is a truly exciting spectator event.

Check out Major League Triathlon's Facebook page or website for more about this exciting new race series!

dallas du

So remember the picture I posted after my DQ in Barbados?:

I managed to rectify that picture at my next race, in Dallas, TX. (Photo credit: Sugar & Spice Photography):

The moment wasn't quite what I had hoped, because the swim was cancelled due to a sewage leak. But! I'm certainly not complaining about my first ITU podium (except perhaps about the fake champagne, and the way it burns the eyes...).

In the duathlon format, we started with a little 5k juant:

Then rolled around on bikes for awhile:

And finished it off with a 2.5k sprint(ish):

I made a pretty significant error in this race (ER!) but held on for the podium spot (yay!) and was rewarded (and re-hydrated) with a little trip to the doping control station for my first-ever drug test.

Through all of this, I was cheered enthusiastically on my my wonderful parents. I had the pleasure of doing the same for them when they raced the next day!

Moral of this story is that every race brings lessons and things to improve upon--even when you make the podium.

As always, thanks to my coach, Zane Castro; Tri360; my parents; and all my other "gritty" supporters!

teachable moments in barbados

When I was a kid and did something stupid, or made a mistake, or something bad happened to me that I thought was the end of the world, my mom would either comfort me or lecture me (depending on the scenario) and then would say, “It’s just a teachable moment.”

Somehow, the knowledge that the “teachable moment” would somehow benefit me in the future was usually not that comforting, because at the time all I could see was how it did not benefit me in the present.

As I grew older and such occasions continued to arise, I remember starting to predict the verdict before my mom said it, rolling my eyes (either literally or within) and saying, “Yeah, yeah, it’s a ‘teachable moment’. I know.”

I especially remember the “I know” comments. Because that was biggest frustration with “teachable moments”--usually I did know it was going to be bad before it happened, or that I probably shouldn’t make the decision I was about to. But sometimes that’s how it goes, doesn’t it? In fact, I think for me, personally, most of my teachable moments come from things I really did know about beforehand, but either forgot in the moment or disregarded because, well, you know… It was more fun to disregard. Or too difficult not to. Or I forgot.

Last month, I went to Bridgetown, Barbados, for my second ITU race of the season. As I’m sure you know by now if you have been following my results, I ended with a big fat DSQ* beside my name, hiding the fact that I raced my way into second place with the fastest bike and run splits of the day.

It was one of those terrible moments that is made so much worse by how happy I felt immediately beforehand: I crossed the line, super excited to stand on my first ITU podium and spray champagne on someone, then heard the announcer say, “Incredibly, Schlabach had the fastest run of the day, even with a ten-second penalty.”

Of course, my first thought was, “@#$%!!!!”

That might have been my second and third thoughts as well.

Once the obscenity subsided, next came, “Dammit, a teachable moment.”

Teachable moments from Barbados, in no particular order:

1. When you get a penalty and don’t serve it, you get disqualified from the race. Furthermore, you don’t make any money from it; thus you don’t make up the money you spent to get to the race, and perhaps put into jeopardy your ability to race as much that season. You also don’t get any ITU points.
2. Don’t get so caught up in what you are doing next that you forget what you are doing now. (My penalty came because, when I got into T1, I saw a girl up the road and was so focused on getting to her that I grabbed my bike before I put my helmet on. Big no-no.
3. When you are at threshold effort, you go deaf, dumb, and mute. Even though I knew I got the penalty in T1, by the time I got to the run, I had completely forgotten about it. Apparently, the announcers talked about my penalty, but I didn’t hear a thing about that (though, somehow, I did hear the comments about how awesome I was running…) Literally, I didn’t even think of my penalty until I crossed the line and heard the aforementioned announcement. Frustratingly, after the race people kept asking me why I hadn’t served my penalty, as though I had chosen not to.
4. It’s really helpful to have support at a race, if for no other reason than that they can shout at you till you snap out of your deaf/dumb state and thus avoid doing something idiotic like forgetting to serve your penalty.
5. Even getting disqualified from a race doesn’t take away the fact that you did what you did in said race. Even though I didn’t get to stand on the podium this time, I know that I have the potential to do so.

All in all, I suppose I would rather have had a good performance and gotten DQed than to have had a terrible one and not gotten DQed. And I supposed I would rather get DQed at a relatively small race like Barbados than at a more important one later on. And, as with all teachable moments, despite my eye rolling and internal cursing and “I knows,” I did learn something important. And I’m betting that--even though I’m sure I will do tons of other stupid things, both in racing and in life--I won’t do that particular thing ever again.

I actually have pictures for you this time (thanks to Mark Harris and Andre Williams):

Bummer to not get to stand up here, but I had it from the men's winner that the champagne wasn't real anyways, so that numbed the blow a little... 

Lots of people to thank for this race: Anita Henry for covering my lodging; Grandpa Schlabach for his generous Christmas check that bought me my plane ticket; Tri360 for having my bike race-ready; and my coach, Zane, for having me race-ready.

Speaking of support, please help me to continue to race this season (see my last post for details)--and I will do my best to stop getting disqualified from races.

*A Note for Those Unfamiliar with ITU Racing: If you do something wrong in ITU racing, you receive a penalty which you have to serve during the race (usually during the run leg. This is different than in amateur racing, in which the officials just add some time onto your finishing time at the end of the race. In the ITU, the officials post the penalized athlete’s number on a board by the penalty box and it the the athlete’s responsibility to check the board and stop for her penalty. The officials are not allowed to flag the athlete down or verbally inform her of her penalty--although coaches/friends/fans may do so.

booster campaign

As those of you who follow triathlon news probably know, there were some last minute changes to the pro race fields this spring that put a wrench in the prospect of making ends meet as a pro triathlete this year--especially as a new pro.

What with the lack of non-draft Olympic races, I decided to just take the dive into racing mostly ITU this year, but it's going to be a little tough as I had counted on some domestic non-draft racing prize money to take the edge off.

All that being said, I could use a little boost (haha, pun intended) to be able to race as much as I need to (or at all) this season to gain experience in ITU racing.

Please consider supporting me by buying a t-shirt from my booster campaign. You can read more about the meaning behind the shirt on the campaign website, here. 

If you want to support me but don't want another shirt, you can also contribute to me directly via PayPal @ calah.schlabach.tri@gmail.com or email me for mailing info.

Thanks SO MUCH to those who have already purchased shirts and/or committed to selling extra shirts! And thanks to everyone who has supported me, whether financially or otherwise--thank you for helping to make me the person and athlete I am today. 

sarasota

Almost a month ago now, I, rather spontaneously, did my first race of the season. I had almost decided it wasn't worth writing a race report at this late date; however, just this morning, I was inspired by the blog of Dan Wilson. This Australian triathlete is now perhaps my favorite triathlete based entirely on the hilarity of his race reports. (See particularly his report re: whether or not to wear socks in a 70.3.)

I doubt that I can make you laugh as many times as Dan made me laugh this morning, but I’ll try to keep it on the short side and minimize the snores.

At the beginning of March I went to Florida to spend Spring Break coaching and training with Marymount’s triathlon team, but was not intending to race at all. However, after having a few weeks of pretty spectacular workouts and coming to life in the Florida sun, I decided to see if I could still sneak my way into the ITU race in Sarasota.

I arrived on the line--or the pontoon, rather--shockingly calm and ready to go, not to mention free of sunburn, having spent the week obsessively drenching myself in sunscreen before every single exposure. I think I was actually paler after that week in the sun, much to my chagrin, and was ready to make the sacrifice worth it in this race.

As it’s my area of least experience, the swim always provides plenty of room for learning. This supposed-to-be-750-meter-but-actually-850-meter swim provided 100 meters more experience than expected. I actually swam okay, but made a couple tactical errors that left me leading a chase pack and exiting the water about 20 seconds behind the second pack.

So I jumped on my bike in chase mode and hammered solo into a decent headwind after the group. Just about when I’d had enough of that, I was joined by my new Canadian friend, and, half-way through the bike leg, we managed to latch onto the second pack.

We entered T2 still about a minute down from the leaders. My bike refused to steer properly so I managed a rather impressive (in my opinion) cyclocross carry through transition and took off on the run, ready to take down as many girls as possible. The run was hot! But I managed to put that from my mind because running people down has to be among the best feelings in the world.

I crossed the line in fifth, happily sun burnt and just in the money, wishing I had 400 or so more meters to run….but pleased.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a single picture to show you for my efforts. Apparently, the only time college students get off their phones and stop instagramming is when they watch their coach race--and as I appreciated their cheer support, I guess I can’t complain too much.

They did capture our happy post-race beach trip, in which all the childhood swimmers sat on the beach while the rest of us frolicked in the glorious waves (and I regretted my sunburn as I was pummeled by sand and salt).

don't give up on the year 'till it's over

2015 is the year I have been the most excited for. Ever.

And it’s not because I am doing new things or am making big life changes. It’s just because I am So. Very. Ecstatic. That 2014 is over.

Looking back, I wanted 2014 to be over a long time ago--seven months ago, to be more specific.

To be less specific, there are a number of reasons I was ready to be shot of the year, and I won’t go into them all here. A big one, though, was that I had an exceptionally disappointing first season as a pro triathlete. I’ve been told it wasn’t as bad as I thought, and it’s not that I don’t believe that, rationally, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. And I’m not here to lie to you.

It’s not that I couldn’t find things to learn from in each race, and it certainly was not that I was going backwards in swimming, biking, and running. There was some “bad luck” at the wrong times (dropped chains and a bruised rib), but, more so, it was self-inflicted pressure, and mental stress, and emotional stress, and just straight up STRESS--and other aggravating intangibles that can get in the way of even the most talented and fit athletes.

The result of the buildup of all the blockages--both tangible and intangible--was such discouragement and self-doubt that I wanted to give up. Not on the sport, per sé, but on the year for sure. At the end of July I was ready to throw in the towel, shut down for the season, and wait for 2015--which couldn’t come quickly enough.

I didn’t, though, or couldn’t. As a pro, I knew I couldn’t make decisions based entirely on feelings of disappointment. I had to get some manner of progress from the season, even if it wasn’t the progress I had hoped for. So I changed gears.

I went to Luray, a local race where I knew I could make some money but that was low pressure. I stretched myself in a way I had never done before and raced on back-to-back days--the Olympic-distance race on Saturday and the Sprint on Sunday. I won both, but, more importantly and regardless of the win, had the best races I had all season--compared to myself. I also had fun. I enjoyed racing and socializing. I regained a huge ounce of confidence and re-considered getting ready for a fall race.

Then, as I was planning for my little comeback, I got sick for the first time since I had dengue fever while I was in ‘Nam (though thankfully no hospital stays or hair loss this time). Not a big deal, but enough to make a fall triathlon questionable. Once again, I contemplated just being done.  Maybe this was my body telling me that the year had been full of too much stress--tangible and intangible alike--and that it was throwing in the towel on 2014.

But I pressed on, once again changing my approach (with the help of my coach). Instead of gearing up for a fall tri, I picked a late-fall 10k road race and started into a run-focused block of training. Our rationale was that I could still achieve one of the goals I had set for the year--to improve some of my run times.

The run block was fun. It gave me a little break from swimming and biking and took me back to my roots, so to speak. I think I got above 50 miles/week for the first time since college, which felt like a big deal (even though it wouldn’t have back then!).

It totally paid off. I broke my 10k PR by a minute and improved my 5k PR from my sophomore year of college--within the 10k. I won’t say I was satisfied, but I was appeased. The 10k time didn’t make up for my season, but it was proof that, frustrating season or not, I was still making progress--something I desperately needed to know.

Moral of the story? Sometimes it is tempting to want a “new start.” And sometimes, a new start is in order. (Thank God for 2015!) But sometimes opting out for a new start is a lot more like giving up. You never know what you might gain from persevering through a tough time.

That being said, perseverance might take a different form than what you had expected. Sometimes it’s not so much about a new start as it is about forging a new trail--thinking outside the box to try an unexpected approach or looking at the situation from an unfamiliar perspective.

Join me in welcoming 2015 (yeah, I’m a little behind) and committing to not giving up on it for at least eleven more months!

Thanks to my sponsors @Tri360, my coach @MZaneCastro, my parents, and all my friends who supported me through a rough year. You know who you are.

London 2013

 

Here is a little glimpse of my race at the ITU Age Group World Championship in London:

 

 

Pre-race swim on Saturday at the Lido in the Serpentine in Hyde Park.

 

Suiting up! (It is very cold.)

 

Pre-race staging with my age group.

 

 

Running from the Serpentine to transition. Please don't zoom in on this photo too closely, as it is rather frightening.

 

After the race, my mom asked me, "How was riding by Buckingham palace?" I responded, "I don't know. I don't remember it." But here's proof that I did, in fact, pass it.

My feet started to warm up about half-way through the run.

 

 

Age 25-29 World Champs!

 

 

For a more detailed glimpse, see the post I wrote on the Post Calvin, here.

 

 

Huge thanks to my mom for raising money for me to go to London with her "London Series" of gourd art. Thanks to everyone who purchased London Series gourds and/or supported me in other ways!

 

the post calvin

So, based on this site, one might think that I have not blogged in a very long time. However, one would be wrong. I have committed to a year of once-a-month blogs at a Calvin College alumni blog site. You can find my posts (3 so far) here:

http://calvinwritersonline.org/author/calah-schlabach/

My post is published the 20th of each month. I recommend checking out other peoples' posts as well!

Also, coming soon, an update featuring my recent trip to London!

 

London Series

What with the whirlwind of moving to DC right afterwards, I may have neglected to mention that I competed at USAT Age Group Nationals at the end of August. It wasn't my best race, but was a good learning and humbling experience. And even without the best race, I still qualified for Age Group Worlds, which will take place in London in September (on the Olympic course!).

Competing at Worlds would be great racing experience, but I really can't afford to go. So my mom generously offered to create a series of gourd art that she will sell as a fundraiser for my trip!

You can buy a gourd or make a donation here on my parents' website. Even if you're not looking to buy, you should still go check out my mom's gourds--they're pretty cool. :)

Here is the story (short version) of how I got into triathlon:


In May of 2011, I did my first triathlon. My mom convinced me to do it. We were practically the only two participants who didn’t wear wetsuits in the 68-degree lake—not because we were extra-tough—because we didn’t have them. I rode a borrowed bike and I was in terrible running shape, but the first thing I thought when I was finished was, “that was so fun.” The second thought? “I bet I could be pretty good at this!”

That’s where the wondering started. How good could I be at this crazy sport? After all, I have a strong running back ground, I was quite a fish as a child, and how could I not love to ride a bike?! Could I be a professional triathlete someday? Could I make a living as a pro? The difficult thing about the pondering was that, like with most things, you don’t know ‘till you try. So I decided to try.

The first thing I learned about trying to be a professional triathlete is that you have to “go pro” in action and mentality even before you actually get your elite license and have a shot at making money. Translation: In order to become a professional triathlete, I first have to live like I am one already. Part of the “pro mentality” was my recent move to Arlington, Virginia to work more closely with my coach. I would love to be able to support myself doing this sport that I love doing, and I think it is a realistic goal. However, I need some help during this in-between time.


Last year, I raced at the Age Group National Championship in Burlington, Vermont. There I qualified for the World Championship in London. I would like to once again get a chance to compete against the best amateur triathletes in the nation (this year in Milwaukee) and the world (in London)—a step towards someday getting the chance to compete against the best pro triathletes in the nation and world! However, in order to take advantage of these opportunities and gain valuable racing experience and credentials, I need some financial help.

My mom has been kind enough to offer her artwork up as a fundraiser to support me in my dream. She has used some artwork I created as a high schooler as an inspiration for her “London Series” of gourd art, the proceeds of which will go to support my racing this summer. You can also make a direct donation if you wish. Thanks for supporting me as I pursue this dream!

dumpster diving

You may have heard of Sandy, the “super storm” that hit the East Coast recently. In an action opposite evacuating, Matt came from NC to keep me company during the storm. It wasn’t bad at all in my area, only about as bad as an average thunderstorm in Texas—a few downed trees, a couple flooded bridges, 24 hours without power—NBD. (Do not mistake me; I am not trying to downplay the effects of the storm elsewhere. My dad spent two weeks in New York doing emergency medical work on Long Island.)

Anyways, school was shut down for two days due to the storm, so after taking a jog in the storm, Matt and I had some time to chill and watch lots of old TV episodes, as well as the Simpsons’ Movie (this being part of Matt’s plan to convert me to thinking the Simpsons is the greatest TV show ever). We even had some time to talk to each other!

The morning after the storm, everyone in the house was scared to go out, but as we were already developing splitting headaches when it was 8am and we had not yet had our morning coffee, we ventured out. What did we find? That it was really only our neighborhood that was out of electricity. That we could drive everywhere no problem because there was no traffic! So, after our truly terrible cups of coffee (still better than none!) we took a little tour of downtown DC because I wanted to look at the Potomac (it wasn’t nearly as interesting as I had expected).

Later that evening, when we were getting really bored, we went grocery shopping. Matt is always kind enough to take me grocery shopping via car when he is here so I can buy more than two bags of food at once and don’t have to carry them over the hill with my stick arms. (Speaking of my stick arms, though, I think the swimming might finally be paying off. How can I tell? My size-small arm warmers no longer slide hopelessly down my arms while I ride.)

So, we went everywhere—Trader Joe’s (our favorite), Whole Foods (highly disappointing in size and lack of ANY samples in comparison to the Austin, TX model), and finally, Safeway. The only reason for the final stop at Safeway was that I needed lunch meat. When I got to the lunch meat section, I found that all the lunch meat was missing. All of it. Just… gone. Turns out that, since the electricity in the store had gone out the night before, Safeway was forced to throw out tons and tons of food.

I was disappointed—the only reason I had come to this store was to buy some flingin’ flangin’ lunch meat! Matt, however, was elated. He drove me around to the back of the store and we embarked on our inaugural dumpster-diving experience.

What this actually looked/sounded like was me pacing around at the foot of the dumpster saying:

“Are you sure this isn’t illegal?!”

“Don’t slip!”

“Eww, it’s wet.”

“Don’t you think that’s enough? It isn’t all going to fit into my fridge!”

And again,

“Are you sure this isn’t illegal?!”

Meanwhile, Matt dug around exclaiming,

“Look at all this turkey!”

“Ice cream!”

“Can you get me a bag for all this?”

and

 “I’ll make it fit!”

 …and generally sounding like a little kid on Christmas morning.

Matt spent the rest of the evening texting his buddies about how amazing he was… while simultaneously crying about the large bag of donuts that some dingbat had left open to get rained on (seriously, it took him hours to get over that loss).

Well, I got my flingin’ flangin’ lunch meat. 15 packages of turkey and one of ham. Three weeks later, I officially never want to see turkey again. Perfect timing, as Thanksgiving is four days away. (Yes, I know that is it now actually five days after Thanksgiving. However, after Matt insisted that we write his/hers posts on this subject, he neglected to write his version for quite some time. Now that he has written his version, you can read it here.)

We laughed a little later, though, thinking about how, when we tell people we want to be pro triathletes, they seem to think we are superstars living the life. (This is, of course, the people who don’t think we are officially insane.) Really, a better perception of the life of an aspiring pro triathlete is in the story I just related—feeling like you’ve hit a gold mine when you find a month’s-worth of turkey in the dumpster.

And did I mention the Klondike bars?!!!

touring dc

Well, I should probably start this post with an apology for not posting in....forever and a promise to do better. But since I haven't proven very trustworthy the last time(s) I made such apologies/promises, I will just write my post. I would not want to risk further marring my trustworthy name.

So! I moved! About a month and a half ago, to be inexact, I moved to the Washington DC area. Some of you might be surprised by both the "what" and the "where," others only by the "where." You are rightfully confused, as I had been thinking of moving to various other places at various points in time, including but not limited to Tucson, Arizona; Sevilla, Spain; and Berlin, Germany.
Long story short, I am in Arlington, Virginia. Here, I have some wonderful opportunities, including: a) performing the role of assistant cross country and triathlon coach at Marymount University, b) working more closely with my triathlon coach, and c) partaking in the plethora of "things to do in DC" (for lack of a better vague all-purpose phrase).

I jumped right into the first two things the day after I arrived, but hadn't blogged yet for a number of reasons. Anyone who has moved will understand some of those reasons without me going into detail. For the rest of you, I will use another vague all-purpose phrase, namely: craziness.

But on Monday I got to participate in the last of the opportunties listed, and in doing so thought, "Aha! A perfect first blog post! What else should I write about than the one thing that will probably be the smallest part of my life here in DC?"

And by "write about," I obviously mean "post pictures with a limited number of explanatory captions," so here goes:

 

Matt came up from NC to do a race on Sunday. The Rev3 Half-Full was a charity race for the Ulman Cancer Fund. Matt entered the cancer-survivor wave and insisted on looking the part. The race was wet, cold, and miserable, but Matt excelled, placing 3rd Overall Amateur and kicking the other cancer survivors butts by over an hour*.

 

*Lance Armstrong also competed as a cancer survivor at this race, but in a different distance than Matt. So we will never know what might have happened there.

 

On Monday, we went to the National Mall to check out the giant map they have there. Pretty cool, but it could have been more detailed regarding the food options. Whoever designed the map was really hung up on the monuments and Smithsonian museums. (Speaking of the Smithsonian(s) am I the only person who always thought that title was singular?)

 

There was also a large, pointed pillar that appeared to have lost whatever roof it was supposed to be supporting. It did, however, have some creepy red eyes that light up whenever a plane might be passing overhead--which is, of course, all the time

 

I don't know what the name of this monument is, but it was in front of the Air and Space Museum, which we definitely need to go back to. We also visited the American History Museum, which we feel less urgency to revisit. Although when we get a female president, I will have to go back to check out what they do with the exhibit on First Ladies. They may have to change the emphasis from "For One Night There Is Only One Dress That Matters."

 

We got to see one of only 5 remaining bicycles made by the Wright Brothers! (In the background you can also see their first successful plane.)

 

Capitol and Calah. We didn't get to see nearly everything, but figured there was no need to try and squeeze it all in--we'll just go back over Thanksgiving Break! This stuff is open every day except Christmas. And even better, it's all free (except for the coolest stuff, like the rides and 3D movies, obviously)!

 

 

 



 

Fear of Success

I was randomly looking at a friend's facebook profile and I ran across this quote, which I found to be both beautiful and true:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we ...are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


- Nelson Mandela
 
Right away, I emailed it to Zane, my triathlon coach, because it touches right on something we have discussed a lot: fear of success. I think a lot of people would say that they fear failure, but few would claim to fear success. I wonder, though, if it isn't more often the opposite.
 
Most of us want--or say we want--to be successful. But how many of us balk when we are confronted with the many obstacles that line the path to success? (Please note that when I talk about success, I do not necessarily mean financial or career success! What I mean is success in whatever dreams and goals one might have--success in being the best one can be in any realm and, ultimately, success at being a human being.)
 
And if we are not afraid of the obstacles, don't many of us fear the unknown that lies beyond the pinnacle? Don't we secretly know that the peak of success we imagine in our minds is not really the highest point, because beyond each mountain is another, higher one? Possibly the scariest part about success is that it is a never-ending pursuit.
 
It is easier to not even begin to climb the mountain, deluding ourselves with the idea that we like the plains better, than to face the unknown beyond the mountain, because the unknown might be the greatest of all human fears.
 
Mandela talks about the way children shine. They not only want to succeed, but they know they can. Children rarely show any bashfulness about basking in the light of their success. But not only do they love to tell the world about their own successes, they also genuinely delight in the successes of others.
 
I think the child-like faith that Jesus encourages in us is more than we usually make of it. Jesus certainly wants us to have a child-like faith and trust in him; but moreover, I believe we would all do well to have a more child-like faith in ourselves and in the power we have as humans who are made in God's image, who are giving unique gifts and passions for a reason.
 

no words

Today is my brother's birthday. Or...am I supposed to say, today was my brother's birthday? Matt told me he likes the first statement better. "You'll always have a brother," he said.

His statement--that I will always have a brother--is true. I am clinging to that truth. But the fact remains that this birthday is different than Brock's other birthdays. It's unlikely that I would have seen Brock today, given the fact he lived in Albuquerque and I in Waco. But I would have called him today, chatted for a bit, told him I love him.

But you see, the last time I called him, just under a month ago, he didn't answer. I left him a voicemail, then went to bed, waking up in the dark a few hours later to receive the worst phone call I hope to ever receive.

I guess you can't know how you will react in situations like these until--God forbid--they happen to you. My reaction was, more than anything, wordlessness.

In the week that followed, I tried to write my brother's eulogy. I am the one who is gifted with words; I felt like it was the least I could do to help in a situation where help was both futile and very much needed. But I just couldn't. How could I--how could anyone--sum up a life? There are no words for that. Or if there are, I certainly didn't have them.

I did manage to write the following little paragraph, which my dad included at the end of the eulogy (that he wrote):

Brock's death is and will remain a shock and a mystery. We are tempted to
dwell on the "whys" and the "what ifs," but instead let us dwell on the man we
knew Brock to be: a fun-loving friend with an easy smile, a gentle husband, a
compassionate brother who was quick to give hugs, a faithful father who worked
hard to support his family, and a kind man who often said "I love you."

Today is and always will be my brother's birthday. But I can't call him. Since I can't call Brock today, I will think about him and the other birthdays. Instead of dwelling on "why?" I will continue to ponder the eternal question of life and death, namely, "Bad things happen. How then shall we live?"

How? With more love.

I know that sounds trite and overly simplistic; nevertheless, that is my conclusion. Our only right response in the face of tragedy is to love. But believe me, I don't think it's simple. Nor do I think it's easy--there's a reason I haven't written about this till now. Rather, it's the only way I am able to make sense of something so senseless.

Let's love when things are good and when things are bad. Let's make time in our busy lives to reach out to love. Let's encourage one another's hopes and dreams--crazy as they may seem. Let's love when it's hard and when it doesn't seem to be helping. Let's keep loving people who keep rejecting our love. Let's lean on each other and love enough not only to help our friends, but love enough to ask for help when we need it. Let's love when we are tired, when we don't feel like it, when we really don't care, when it hurts.

Most importantly, let's realize that we can never love enough, but let's keep trying anyways.

If we were perfectionists and waited until we loved perfectly the world would be a much worse place. As it is, terrible things happen because we lack love; but beautiful things--big and small--happen every day when imperfect humans reach out in acts of imperfect love.

So let's love. Imperfectly. Risking failure--and equally risking success. Let's love even when it doesn't seem fair, when we don't understand--when we have no words.

Blog-in-One: All those entries I didn't write.

So. It's been awhile, huh? That whole blogging-about-ordinary-life thing really went well for me, right? I guess I forgot about the insane busyness of ordinary life. The kind of busyness where you aren't entirely sure what is making you so busy; all you know is that you feel like you are at a constant sprint because the finish line is always in sight, but somehow you never cross it. And next thing you know, you are getting up again--far too early, I might add--to do it all again...

I would have said that, even amidst all the busyness, not much has happened since my last blog entry. Just a lot of work. A lot of biking, a moderate amount of swimming, a bit of running... Definitely nothing big or life-changing. But when I sat down and thought about it the other day, I realized that some things have happened. Fairly significant things, surely at least blog-worthy. Life changing? Well... who knows.

I think that at this stage of my life (my whole 24 years, I know) I have realized the futility of trying to attempt to predict the events that may or may not be life-changing. Any event is, in fact, a part of life, and thus has the potential to make an impact. And I'm starting to think that the course of one's life is usually directed, not in a few huge, Emmaus-Road-type moments, but in a whole bunch of small, subtle, seemingly insignificant decisions and seemingly random occurances. Who knows.

Anyways, back to the point: what's been going on since the last time I wrote? Well, enough that the events would have made quite a few nice, short, manageable little blog entries. But since I don't want to overwhelm you too much with all the humble events of my last few months, I'm going to revert to good ol' list format. And I'll try to be brief--with the knowledge of how my attempts at brevity usually go...

Bearathon: My first half marathon. I mostly signed up for this to ensure that I would start running again. Since running is part of triathlon. But I wasn't sure how I would feel about this race--or about such a looong race. Well, it was shockingly fun! I couldn't walk normally for a week after--meh, small details.

Austin to Shiner: My first century (100-mile) bike ride. Another attempt at triathlon training. Thought I should get some base training on the bike since I am completely new at it. So, why not do a century? And how to choose which century? Well...which one has the best after party? The one that ends at the Spoetzel Brewery in Shiner, TX, obviously.

Re-enchanted: My family's spur-of-the moment trip to New Mexico. This obviously could have been its own post. The mere fact that I'm an aunt again could have been its own post. Anyways, Mom, Dad, and I took a very short road trip to NM to see my brother and his (now bigger) family. It was really nice to spend time with them. Mom and I also got to ride our bikes for a few miles of my friend's cross country biking trip! Pictures, here:

Auntie Calah Strikes Again

Bisiklet Shiprock (for Haiti)

Lifeguards don't just sit in charis: My first (two) saves. I know you all thought that my main job description as a lifeguard is to model my super-duper-stylish fanny pack. But there is so much more to my job. Namely, saving lives...

Who needs a wet suit? My first triathlon. In early May, Mom and I did a sprint triathlon north of Dallas. The water was cold and we were among the few participants that didn't have wet suits. But we survived. Moreover, I have become another statistic: I am addicted. (Note: since the time I started this post a month ago, I have done my second tri. Yesterday, in fact. Olympic distance this time--it's a whole different animal.... Yep, still addicted, though.)

Old friends, new town: My first trip to Seattle. I decided way back in January that if I was going to stay in Waco all spring, I deserved a vacation. My friends Christina and Jeff decided to get married, partly with the intention of giving me a great excuse to go to the Northwest--somewhere I have always wanted to spend time, but hadn't gotten to experience yet. It was fun to see some friends who I hadn't seen in years (literally) and to run (literally) all around Seattle. I also got to see Ali and do the things we used to do in Viet Nam (talk, drink tea, talk, eat, talk, etc.) but not in Viet Nam. Not that I was really worried, but it was nice to know that we like each other as much in the USA. :)

And there are, of course, the less tangible things that have happened. The ones that don't fit into nice lists. Like feelings and relationships and frustration and growth and learning about life and silly (and serious) conversations with my parents. The things that are always there, no matter what is "happening." Maybe I'll try to be better about this blogging thing, because more frequent blogging allows better for inclusion of those intangibles. And isn't it the intangibles that are really the point?

I mean, don't hold your breath. We all know how it went the last time I said I would be better about blogging. But...Hey, I've missed you guys. :)