decisions and commitment

Those of you who know me may have laughed upon reading the title of this post. Or said, "Oh no. Not Calah and decisions again. She really needs to learn that they just aren't for her."

Or maybe you just thought, "Wow. Calah finally wrote on her blog again! It's been a long time. She must have something interesting or exciting to say again."

Well. All of the above responses are probably valid. Although the latter person might be disappointed, so I'll just clear that up right now: I'm not in a foreign country working in a cholera clinic or chopping my fingers off trying to cut mangos in front of my host family. Actually, many would probably find my current activities the opposite of interesting and exciting. However, I am of the mindset that even the most ordinary of lives can be interesting and exciting; or, to modify that statement, that we can derive interesting and exciting tidbits from the most ordinary lives. Thus, I have decided to write again.

So, why did I stop writing? Well, it might sound weird considering that much as the last few years of my life has been more transitionary than stable, but I must admit that I don't always deal with transitions that well.

So when I got back to Texas from Haiti and my post-Christmas festivities, I must admit, life did not feel particularly interesting or exciting, although in this case the lack of excitement was actually a welcome relief--I was beyond ready for a break.

However, along with all that lovely down time came the realization that I had no idea what I was going to do next. Decision-making--more commonly known as my worst nightmare--came to haunt me. In fact, I actually did have nightmares, as I feel entitled to classify dreams such as the one where worms came out of my nose, or where I had to cast my ballot in an election with a Hitler-esque dictator literally breathing down my neck. Or, worst of all, the one where I was getting married.

In other words, there was nothing particularly wrong with me, other than that I was an emotional wreck. And as I thought about my decisions even when I should have been sleeping, I didn't particularly feel like spending time writing about them too.

Anyways, to make a long and not THAT complicated decision (made VERY complicated by me) short: I have decided to stay in Waco for now. How long is now? We'll see. Enough time to get back on my feet and figure out what's next. In other words, NOT forever.

Part of this decision was based on the fact that I haven't been in one place for more than 2 months in the last 6. Another is that, though I don't plan to settle in Waco long-term, my parents seem to be here to stay for a while. So part of my time here is an attempt to get past my dislike of Waco and maybe not love it, but at least grow to like it. I want it to be a place I am happy to come back to, whether to stay for awhile after another adventure, or just to visit my parents for a weekend.

So this is where the commitment comes in. As I decide what to do next, I am often torn between the desire to settle into a community I can really invest in and revulsion at the idea of "settling down" when I am so young! In the case of Waco, it is hard to really invest in a place where I don't plan to be long-term. But, I am trying. One of my former professors said it this way, and I like it:

"I think you are too young yet to be settling into a community forever. But that's not to say that you won't invest wherever you are for as long as you are. I think that's what we're called to do. Live fully in the moment, giving ourselves away to other people."

As far as living fully in THIS moment is concerned, I am feeling better about myself (and having less nightmares) now that I am a bit busier. The main things I am staying busy with (and that you might hear about if you continue to read my blog) are the following: my new job life guarding at the YMCA and training for a triathlon. And of course, someday you might hear about what I will have decided to do next...